Five Things You Can Do When Your Marriage Is Making You Sick

Posted on Jan 29, 2019 Topic : Women's Christian Living
Posted by : David Hawkins

For years researchers have championed the positive aspects of being married. Healthy marriages offer us opportunities to have a partner in facing stress, a mate for vacations, not to mention a companion in achieving many of life’s goals. Friend, partner and even soul-mate. When a marriage is functioning effectively, even our bodies reflect the healing power of close and intimate friendship.

But, what happens when your marriage is fraught with bickering, and worse, emotional abuse? Doctors, chiropractors, physical therapists and other healing professionals are quick to inform us about the impact of stress on our bodies.

The negative impact of stress does not stop with physical needs—it impacts our emotional lives as well, creating emotional tension on our bodies and minds. Living in a constant state of discontent, or worse, endless unhappiness, leads to an unlimited number of both physical and emotional maladies.

While living in tension, we miss out on the opportunity to live each day with renewed joy, energy and peacefulness. I believe God wants us to live in peace:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” (John 16: 47)

Consider the following scenario.

Completely unhappy in her marriage, Laura got the courage to leave her job, take her friend up on her offer to house sit a cabin in the mountains, and take two months to consider her life, and hoped her husband did the same.

“It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done,” Laura said, sitting in my office with her husband, Donald. “Donald was furious with me and threatened if I left he would divorce me. Well, he didn’t divorce me. After he got over being mad, he participated in counseling and I started to feel alive again. I never knew how much emotional tension I carried in my body until I felt emotional relaxation.”

“Share some more,” I said to Laura.

“You can’t be unhappy day in and day out without your body, mind and spirit keeping score,” she said. “I was fighting with Donald over everything. I didn’t like him anymore, and I didn’t like myself much better. We needed to step back and decide how we were going to live the rest of our lives.”

“That took amazing courage,” I said.

“Yes, it did,” she beamed. “Nobody but my best friend supported my decision. But, I did it. Donald hit bottom too. The past 6 months in counseling taught us some incredible tools, and produced amazing changes for us.”

“What do you say about this, Donald?” I asked.

“I’ve learned women are often afraid to set firm boundaries,” he said. “I was a typical man, and I insisted she keep doing things the way we’ve always done them. But, she knew what was best, and her decision to leave me was the best thing she could have done. I’m not perfect now but I’m a whole lot better. I want to work on this marriage. I love her.”

We’ve all heard the cliché, do what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you’ve always got. The wisdom in this is that not only will we keep getting the same results, but we often carry a great deal of pain and tension in our bodies as well. Unhappiness is often the product of living a life without healthy boundaries, tolerating emotional abuse and living in a constant state of tension. When we finally hit the bottom we make changes that can lead to emotional relaxation.

Consider these practical action steps.

First, take an emotional inventory. How are you doing—really? Do you live in emotional tension or relaxation? If you live in tension, what impact is that having on you? Don’t live in denial about the impact stress and tension have on your mind, body and spirit? Be completely honest with yourself.

Second, understand the sources of your emotional tension. While we like to point to others as the blame for our depression, we often contribute to our unhappiness with attitudes of passivity, feeling like a victim, failing to face the truth of a problem and refusal to do effective problem-solving.

Third, take action. You alone are responsible for your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Emotional health doesn’t just happen. We must actively create an environment where we can thrive physically, emotionally and spiritually. We must take care of our minds, bodies and spirits.

Fourth, set healthy boundaries on anything and anyone that rob us of well-being. We must protect ourselves from “crazymakers” who create chaos and invite us into their world of tension. We must actively create a world where we can thrive physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Finally, protect your Self. Learn what is important to you and how you have been created. Where do you feel emotionally relaxed and healthy? How can you replicate that experience? Live a lifestyle that promotes emotional, physical and spiritual well-being and then guard it with your very life.

You have one life, and God wants you to live in peace and to care for your mind and body as His temple.