How to Respond with Love in the Face of Pain-Driven Expectations

Posted on Apr 25, 2017 Topic : Men's Christian Living, Women's Christian Living

Sometimes the emotional pull of the past can be more powerful than logical thinking in the present.

Marie and Scott have been married for six years, and they have three young children. Marie is a hands-on stay-at-home mom, and Scott is the co-owner of a small but successful construction company. The two of them have a beautiful home.

However, Scott recently developed extremely critical expectations for what he thought Marie should be doing all day. He began a new habit of walking through the entire house before going to bed as though he were inspecting one of his building sites. He looked for things that were out of place or tasks that he expected Marie to accomplish the next day.

Scott’s increasingly unreasonable expectations caused extreme friction in their marriage. But after hearing some helpful advice, Marie decided to make a complete about-face from her usual response of defending herself, arguing, and letting herself feel hurt.

It started one night when she greeted Scott at the door and asked if she could say a prayer the Lord had placed on her heart. She held his hands in hers and quietly said, “Dear Lord, thank You for bringing my husband safely home. Thank You for the blessing of healthy children, a healthy marriage, and a lovely home. Please help us to walk in Your will and reveal to us the ways we can be good and loving parents and spouses. Amen.”

That night, Marie refused to say a negative word when Scott criticized something about her or the house. She repeated this same simple prayer aloud and with Scott every night when he came home, and within a few days, she noticed that Scott’s critical spirit was starting to soften.

One night as he ate dinner, the Lord convicted Scott of how wrong his recent actions had been—and, his heart breaking, he broke down in tears. He revealed that his childhood had been chaotic and caustic. When his alcoholic father died of liver failure, his mother became an extreme hoarder. The problem became so bad that the state removed him from the house when he was 12, and he was in foster care until he “aged out” of the system. His mother died a few years later. Marie had had no idea.

Viewing a hoarder feature on TV and seeing someone at work who reminded him of his mom had brought back those memories. Scott told Marie, “All of a sudden I couldn’t stop thinking about anything else, day in and day out. I don’t know what got into me about our house… You do a really good job, honey. I’m so sorry…”

This story had a happy ending, but it could have taken an entirely different turn. If no one is ready, willing, or able to address unhealthy expectations caused by painful memories in a God-honoring way, relationships can suffer.

Communicating openly with your loved ones and praying for them when they find themselves in a situation like Scott’s—these actions are critical to your journey to find peace and your commitment to live the way God wants us to live.