What to Do When Your Confidence Hits Rock Bottom

Posted on Aug 06, 2019 Topic : Inspirational/Devotional, Women's Christian Living
Posted by : Stephanie Tait

For most of my life I struggled greatly with low self-esteem—so much so that it would be far more accurate to say I struggled with a deep sense of hatred for myself. This was compounded by horrible social anxiety, despite being incredibly extroverted and seemingly outgoing. No matter how social I may have appeared, though, I was running through a never-ending internal dialogue of suspicions and fears.

I’m always talking too much...Come on, Stephanie, you know they don’t actually like you; they only tolerate you to be polite...I wonder what they all say about me when I’m not around. Am I just a running joke to everyone?

Outwardly I would laugh and joke, endlessly talking about one thing or another, but once I would reach the silence of my car or the privacy of a restroom stall, I would berate myself through hot tears for being too much.

I spent so many years trying to work on these issues. I surrounded myself with positive affirmations, sticking them on note cards and brightly colored Post-it notes all around my room and car. I would meditate on themes like “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” or “I am worthy of love.” But no matter how much I tried to build up my self-esteem, nothing made any kind of significant impact.

One night at a Christian women’s retreat I told a good friend my struggles saying, “I just don’t want to hate myself anymore.”

I expected to be drawn into a familiar hug of encouragement, where I could be baptized anew with a stream of loving affirmations. Instead, my dear friend looked me straight in the eyes and, with equal parts tenderness and authority, said, “Stephanie, I love you enough to tell you the truth. If you really want to stop being so all-consumed by this self-hatred and anxiety, I don’t think you need to learn how to think of yourself more highly; I think you need to learn how to think of yourself less."

The words stung so fiercely it felt like a physical slap to the face. My cheeks burned red with anger and embarrassment, and the competing urges of fight and flight were so deadlocked that I sat unable to formulate any response at all.

Then my friend slid closer to me and pulled out a copy of The Message from her bag. She asked if she could read me something from her quiet time that morning.

My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God! (1 John 3:18-21 MSG).

There it was, right there in black and white. What was that seemingly elusive secret? To not just talk about love, but to practice real love so fiercely, and in a way that’s so all-consuming, that we are too busy being the hands and feet of Jesus to hate ourselves anymore. It is when we turn our focus outward, fully committing our time and attention to how best to love the people around us, that we are finally able to stop accusing or condemning ourselves, and instead live “bold and free before God.”

What felt like an insult had been the words of a true friend, one who loved me fiercely enough to try to guide me out of my struggle once and for all. The answer I so desperately sought, the way to point me toward a lasting healing and a life of true freedom, was to look outside myself entirely.

Whether the suffering we’re dealing with is our own debilitating self-hatred, a grief so deep that our longing for heaven feels it could untether us from earth, or a different sort of pain entirely, the path to healing is ultimately the same. When we turn the focus of our pain off ourselves and out to our community, we take the very experiences meant for our harm and turn them into tools for growing the kingdom.